Episode Zero: Ground Zero (Part II)

The Mahabla(h)rata of Sri Vyasa Bla(h)gavan:

A Hair-raising Silly Pretentious Tale of an Epic Scale

as Retold by Bla(h)gavan Sri Sathya Say Bla(h)bla(h)

Episode Zero: Ground Zero (Part II)

Duryodhana has high hopes that Vidura would be able to convince Yudhisthira to come over for a high-stakes gambling contest. There is, however, a big problem he has to face first. He has to convince Vidura himself, and take him to their side, the evil camp. And Vidura is the incarnation of wisdom! There is not much of a chance, really. But Vidura is their only chance, no other person stands half a chance. It’s a chancy, chancy, chancy world!

Duryodhana could of course somehow convince his father, Dhritharashtra, the visually-challenged king of Hastinapura, by threatening to commit suicide or something. Normally the king doesn’t take any decisions without the approval of Vidura, his half-brother and most-trusted prime minister, but an exception could be made this time. And if the king were to command Vidura, Vidura would have to obey and go to Indraprastha. Duryodhana explains his tentative strategy to Shakuni. But Shakuni is of course not happy at all with the idea. If Vidura was compelled to go reluctantly, how could he be expected to perform an excellent job in beguiling Yudhisthira? It would only be a half-hearted effort and therefore wouldn’t work, since even if it were whole-hearted there is really very little chance for it work. So Vidura has to be offered some kind of incentive for acting out the crucial role expected of him, out of his own motive. How is that possible?

Vidura and the others among the Kaurava elders came to know of Shakuni’s evil intentions on Pandavas, when in one top-level meeting recently Shakuni himself unable to curb his enthusiasm started openly bragging about his high level of skill at the dice game, contrasting it with Yudhisthira’s lack of any skill whatsoever. But no one around, except perhaps for Bhishma, the eldest of them all, was so stupid to believe that the dice game involved any kind of skill in any way. Therefore everyone came to realize that Shakuni learnt a few cheating tricks, and is now keen to rip off the Pandavas, if only that were possible. And when Vidura was asked to carry out this extremely silly and risky business of inviting a wise and virtuous king for a bout of dicing and gambling, he immediately saw through the whole plan of the Shakuni-Duryodhana party. He refused straightaway and warned Duryodhana that playing such tricks on the Pandavas, if at all they succeed, could eventually lead to a full-scale war between the Kauravas and the Pandavas, one that would wreak total havoc on both sides and cause total destruction of the Kauravas especially. Vidura sternly advised them to at once drop all devious thoughts of playing mischief on the Pandavas, for the consequences of such foolishness could be dire in the extreme.

Now Shakuni is in deep thought. Although it is true that he has just as much skill at playing the dice game as anyone else, his advantage not arising out of any skill but out of psychic powers, he is indeed considerably skilled at playing chess and thinking out chess-like strategies. So he is thinking and thinking. And finally he hits upon the idea, which is: to come out clean with Vidura, confess to him all their short term and long-term plans, but also make him aware of what could be in it for himself.

This is their only chance. Accordingly, one day not too long after receiving that serious reprimanding from Vidura, Shakuni seeks a one-on-one with Vidura and enters into Vidura's private quarters. Bearing an expression of utmost sincerity, Shakuni admits he has the capacity only to skillfully cheat at the dice game, not skillfully play it, but if he gets a chance to exercise his con art with Yudhisthira he intends or hopes to go all out and deprive the Pandavas not only of all their wealth, but their kingdom itself. He also acknowledges that he fully well realizes the eventuality, that even if Pandavas would lie low for sometime, something or other would go awry sooner or later and the situation could blow up into a full-scale war. Pandavas may not have even an army but Arjuna by himself alone is capable of taking on the whole Kaurava team and their entire army singlehandedly if he so desired. (In those days, there were all kinds of super weapons, and Arjuna’s armory was especially full of them).

Vidura is simply aghast. He has never seen this candid side of Shakuni, all the more dark and evil for being so. Shakuni pauses for a long while. And drops the bomb slowly.

“O noble Vidura, you may be wondering why I am sharing my mind with you, all so openly. Yes, I have nothing to hide now, for once in my life. And in the spirit of openness and frankness, I want to make you a very interesting proposal. I beg you to listen to me with as open a mind as possible, consider the whole thing carefully and seriously and only then arrive at a decision. Of course you are free to take whatever decision you want, but I trust in your wisdom, and am positive that you will make the wise choice which will benefit us all.”

Vidura nodded, “Go ahead, I am listening.”

“Okay, my dear brother-in-law, it is like this. Once again I request you to listen to it attentively, and to give your answer only after due consideration. As we all know, you are renowned for your wisdom; not many people know, but I do, that you are seriously working on a whole book of moral platitudes and wise-sounding aphorisms. Do kindly forgive me for breaching your privacy and conducting spying on you, but I have a good idea about the book you are working on. It is entitled “Vidura Neeti,” and you are planning to make it a dialogue between you and our blind king Dhritharashtra. I’ve even had the privilege to take a sneak preview of it, albeit unbeknownst to you.

“O king, man's body is just like a chariot (Ratha), intelligence (Buddhi) like a charioteer (Saarthi) and senses are its horses. One, who controls all these three travels happily in this world, just like the charioteer who has controlled the horses of the chariot.

“Just like the untrained and uncontrollable horses overthrow the charioteer on the path, similarly the senses if uncontrollable have the capacity to kill a man.

“One should try to understand his real self by controlling Mana (mind), Buddhi (intelligence), Indriya (senses) because the soul only is one's friend and enemy.

“And so on. There is of course some need of editing, but they are quite good I must say. I am impressed! There seems to be some quality stuff here. But do you think if you publish it as a book, anybody would bother to read it? Who has any time for such tripe except for old fogeys, your Dhritharashtra-like guys, and I sincerely hope that you don’t want to seriously limit your potential audience to some dilapidated section of the population. This is where you need to come up with creative ideas. And this where we come in, I and Duryodhana.”

Shakuni pauses, waiting for Vidura to say something. Vidura is in too much of a shock already to say anything, he simply says, “Okay.” Not even, “Okay, proceed.”

Shakuni resumes. “Look, just between you and me, I know you must have become tired of playing the low-profile lackey to Dhritharashtra all your life, though both of you were born of the same father. Such is fate, never fair, never equitable. But whether you realize it or not, in this little book that you are working on is your door to fame and instant celebrity. You just have to know how to position it in the market. We could help you there. We can help you project the book in such a way into the public light that it would become an instant hit with the masses. The idea is very simple, and just as elegant. You can spend a few more years to work on this book. Now, Pandava-Kaurava war is inevitable sooner or later. Both sides may delude themselves but both sides are just waiting for a chance to pounce upon each other. Things are in a balance right now, but it is a very delicate balance, believing in its stability would be sheer folly and vain hope. So whether you want it or not, whether you are involved in it or not, one way or other, the fatal confrontation is bound to occur one of these years. It may be next year, it may be ten years from now, twenty years from now, but no one is really planning to die anywhere except in the battlefield, from the soldiers of the infantry to the commanders of the army to the elders themselves, except perhaps for you. You are the only true pacifist around, which is fine but of no use really. All your efforts to stop the confrontation will come to nothing, now or in the future, that much I can assure you, and that much you know very well yourself. So my point is this. When you cannot stop it from happening anyway, why don’t you join in the cause to help the war happen, just the way I am. The only difference between you and me is this, I have nothing to gain from it all, except for a little childish satisfaction for having avenged myself, whereas you have so much to gain, a whole new image, a whole new career, fame, renown, celebrity of totally a different level than you have ever known. You can become the guru to millions, and not just rot forever in your advisorial capacity to a blind king who also happens to be rather deaf and dumb. If only your wisdom, whether real or apparent, can be properly channelized into the consciousness of the nation, people would revere you, they would adore you and worship you, you can even become a living god, unless you too were to die in the battle. But if you can just somehow manage to survive the war, and there are many ways to do so, there is simply no telling where your fame and glory would stop, if ever they do!

"You just have to pull off this mission and succeed in convincing Yudhisthira to pay a visit to Hastinapura for some ripping fun and entertainment. In turn, what we can do for you is to place you as a charioteer for Duryodhana in the coming battle, whenever it comes. By that time you just be ready and get all your verses by heart. The key part of the plan is this. Right after the battle officially commences on the first day of the battle, on the very verge of the mammoth clash, Duryodhana falls flat in his chariot, and loudly proclaims that he cannot really do this battle, that he realizes the evil of his ways, how it will end up in destroying all his kith and kin, friends and foes alike, that there is no point in this suicidal war. And the battle is put on hold momentarily because all the people of both sides are wondering what the heck is happening with Duryodhana, what has come over him all of a sudden. Should he be sent home and the battle be continued?

"And I can assure you with all the years of experience I have in this business, nobody would ever suspect you guys of being involved in any sham or scam, not now, not in a hundred years, not in a thousand years. People simply don’t have that kind of intelligence. Have no worries on that account. So as Duryodhana falls down into sudden despondency, he turns to you imploring you to provide succor to him, to show him some light in this darkest hour of his life. He would say something like “Oh half-father, help me overcome my half-heartedness, dispel my half-confusion, let me regain at least half the courage I used to have.” This is the point you take over, the stage lights shift the focus on you. You would at first say something like “O Suyodhana, O Chandashasana, rise up, this faint-heartedness doesn’t behoove one like thee. Kill you foes, destroy your enemies, annihilate them utterly, don’t see who is who and who is not, this is not the hour to exercise such refined discrimination. Have no doubts, just become a killing machine, this is your destiny. Be eager to meet it, just destroy!” Just a tentative script, we will give you the finalized version sometime later. We will of course give you only the script for the first segment of what is going to be a very very very long battlefield sermon. Essentially, you would have to recite your entire book thereafter, chapter by chapter, so make sure beforehand that you have arranged the whole material into neat chapters. If you forget any verses, or mix them up, it might cause a little unnecessary problem. Also better to have a copy of your work with you, just in case you forget some lines here and there. It would also be useful if you can make a little script for Duryodhana who would pop in now and then, especially at the beginning of the chapters, and ask you questions regarding all those various wisdom topics you have. He would also keep saying from time to time, “my mind is confused,” “my mind is confused,” because that way really it would give a feeling of depth, and the audience can more easily identify the Duryodhana character. And of course you can talk about all you want, senses, buddhi, mind, intellect, soul, God, sex, anger, work, money, heat, cold, absolutely everything and anything. Also remember to change the title from Vidura Neeti, to Vidura Gita! As you can see, I have planned it out to the minutest detail. If you are interested, we can discuss about further issues some other time.”

All this while, Vidura didn’t know for sure whether he was dreaming all this conversation, or it was really happening. He now gives himself several quick pinches all over his arms and thighs, which behavior slightly puzzles Shakuni. After ascertaining that he is indeed awake and part of what people generally consider reality, Vidura is quick to reply, “This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard or I could ever imagine, a sermon on the battlefield, after the battle has commenced, and not just a single sermon but downloading a whole book at one spot in one single session! My God, my God! Shakuni, you have finally lost it. I always knew this would be the fate of all evil minds like you who spend most of their waking hours plotting and scheming and nothing else. You have just gone bonkers, man! However did you think that I would buy into such a ridiculous plan, if a plan it is? Do you think I am so desperate to bask in some limelight? You really don't know anything about me, despite all your spy network. Thanks but not thanks, for wasting all my time this morning. Now with my permission you may please leave.”

Now it is Shakuni’s turn to be shocked, he was not expecting such an outright refusal, and such direct humiliation of his intelligence. He wanted to urge Vidura to think over it, think again, but he gave up. Better leave smug wise asses like Vidura to themselves. Indeed he was wasting everyone’s time. So, without saying a word further, he rises up, ready to leave. He walks a few steps, when he hears Vidura’s voice again.

“Wait a minute, you were not serious at all, right? This is your idea of a joke, right? Ah, I get it now! How funny!”

Shakuni turns around, and bearing the most sincere expression he can possibly bear, solemnly affirms the genuineness of his declared intentions. “I am serious, as serious as anyone can possibly get. I am serious!”

“What are you talking about? Did you really mean it, all this nonsense about sermonizing in the battlefield? Oh, gimme a break!”

“Vidura, it is not nonsense, and I really mean it. It could make perfect sense to you too once you start looking at it from the view of publicity. This would create a sensation, a hullabaloo. This is the only way you can ever hope to reach the masses. All I want, all I intend is to give you a break. This is going to be your breakthrough! Otherwise you can keep writing you neeti shastras and dharma shastras, no one would read them, no one would ever know they even existed. Now the decision is yours.”

“Just let me ask you for one last time, do you really mean it, this is all not one big stupid joke, right?”

Shakuni does not reply but keeps staring at him, with that unchanging, unflinching, deep and sincere expression.

Vidura finally relents. “Okay, we have a deal, I will go to Indraprastha tomorrow itself.”

Shakuni gives the hint of a smile, and walks out.